Mind over matter, right?  

I have an Instagram post about it. It’s so important to have a “Slay the Day” kind of mindset, because if you don’t, you’ll burnout far faster than a dying star.

Of course you can do it. You HAVE done it. You’ve done your absolute best…

…But when is it time to say “I need help!!”

Asking for help can seem like you’re waving the white flag, or that you’re failing. But you’re not failing at all! In fact, you are getting yourself the care that you need in order to carry on. Literally. 

Daughters are so often the physical caregivers, and the sons tend to take a hands-off, financial stance in the relationship. This is incredibly hard on women, and too often we DON’T speak up about it, causing our health to deteriorate. 

Women are also more likely to wait to get medical procedures done because they are “too busy taking care of X.” A family member of our community waited to get the cancer screenings she needed done because she was too worried about her husband’s wellbeing, even after he had come to our memory care community. When she finally went for her screening, they found that she had breast cancer. Now that she is getting the help that she so desperately needed, she was able to have the cancer removed. 

Now she is a little older, but sister, your health literally depends on it.

So What Is “Help”, Exactly?

So you need the in-home help, yes, but what does that mean? 

There are so many in-home healthcare services across the country, some that are national franchises and some that are “Mom and Pop” companies. You will have to do your research into what home health company will be the best for your family, but so many people have said to me in the past that their in-home caregiver had become a part of their family!

Help can come in a lot of different ways with in-home care. They can be a companion to your loved one, take care of their ADLs, take them out to lunch (when and where applicable, thanks covid!), or even take care of laundry and housekeeping needs! You just have to do a little homework for your budget and the help that you’re looking for. 

What’s the Cost?

Herein lies the tricky part for many families, as in home care can be expensive, but if funds are available, then getting a little help will make all the difference in your personal and caregiving life. 

The average cost of in-home care, according to Genworth Financial’s Cost of Care survey, is $4,290. In my area, and I live in Milwaukee, the average rate per hour is $20-$25 an hour.

Quick math (and I’m terrible at math, so bear with me):

You have in-home care at $23 a hour for 4 hours a day, Wed-Sun (I’m giving you a weekend reprieve). 

4 x 5 =20, 20 x $23 = $460 a week, 4 weeks in a month equals out to $1,640 a month.

Is even that doable?? Aarp.com has a great article about how to pay for in-home care. Mind you, these websites are generally catered to an older population, so take it in stride.

This is where you have to do your homework. Interview a few agencies, and they will be more than happy to send you information. 

Need The Reasons?

So you’ve learned about in-home care a little, and hopefully I’ve already convinced you to get the help you need if you can afford it, but if not, here are the reasons you may need additional help.

They’re Progressing In Their Disease

It’s come to a point that you are no longer able to give them all of the care they need on a daily basis. In-home care is trained to be able to take care of the needs of your loved one. Even though they may not know them as well as you, they can certainly give you a break. 

Maybe Mom’s trying to leave the house more, or that she is getting harder to lift, and you can’t do it everyday by yourself. Maybe you are patient, but good lord, the days are looooong and your patience is wearing thin for the antics that dementia brings about. Dad is becoming your shadow and you already have two little ones at home who are the same way and “OMG if I hear him say ‘where are you?’ one more frickin’ time, I’m going to lose it!!”

Yeah, you’re not alone.

It’s so hard to see your loved one leaving you slowly with this disease, and it takes a toll on both you and your loved one. This is the time where you can get some help in the house to be able to leave. Go see a therapist, or go get that venti vanilla latte and damnit, go to TJ Maxx! 

You’re Not The Caregiver You Once Were

You have come into this whole thing with the noblest of intentions, but all the stress of daily caregiving is emotionally and physically draining. Pile on all of the stuff in your regular life, and I’m surprised you’re still standing. 

Maybe you’ve had an injury like throwing your back out that you just aren’t able to lift your Mom out of the shower anymore. There could be a hundred different maladies that you could end up with that you wouldn’t be able to take care of your loved one, and all of them would be acceptable excuses to get a caregiver to help you out. 

Or maybe you’re just emotionally done. You can’t handle the fact that you can’t leave their house without worrying if they’ll leave the house, too. Like in the first reason, Mom or dad are getting worse, and as they get worse, their behaviors are more pronounced and you are at wit’s end. 

It’s okay. That’s why there’s help available.

You Don’t Have Friends Or Family To Give You A Break

In many families, there are brothers and sisters who will chunk up the time it takes to take care of Mom and Dad, but there are also plenty of families who are doing this on their own. Maybe they have siblings, but they aren’t involved. Maybe you’re an only child. 

Either way, you don’t have help. For some reason, you don’t have the ability to get anyone to give you a reprieve. That’s when in-home care comes in handy. Even if it’s just two hours a day, five days a week, that can be the difference between you getting to eat with your family or God forbid A PEDICURE!!! 

You need this time to yourself, and if you’re an only child or have no ability to get the help, in-home care could be worth it. 

Due to covid, right now there are many great adult day services that aren’t able to resume programming or they are doing zoom conferencing, which doesn’t really work for those who have dementia. If you do have adult day services that are open, WHY ARE YOU NOT ALREADY THERE?? Stop reading this and go get signed up now!

Are you back? Awesome. Long story long, if you need the help, there are ways you can get it.

Wrapping it up

Everybody has their reasons for how they give care to their loved ones. They should not be judged. Instead, lift each other up. Times are hard, and they’ve gotten exponentially harder for caregivers. Those day centers and literally anything you used to do with your mom and dad aren’t open right now, making your life incredibly strained. 

Here’s the thing: don’t compete against anyone else for what they can tolerate and what you can tolerate. If it’s really come to the point where they are too hard to take care of for YOU, that’s okay! In fact, it’s MORE than okay! 

If there is a way for you to get out of survival mode, then do it. You’re a superhero, but you’re still human. We only have so much steam to power the engine, and you have to know your limits. If you can make the funds work, Why not take a little bit of your life back? 

Til Then,