Here’s a quick scenario.
You finally got to sleep after a long day of working, helping kids with homework, doing the bedtime shuffle, and driving out to Dad’s to make sure he took his pills and got something to eat and drink before bed. You checked the Ring camera, no signs of him leaving tonight, so you finally drift off to sleep after a hour or two of laying awake and worrying.
Then you get the call.
Dad decided to get up in the middle of the night, no, not to leave, but this time, to cook himself a grilled cheese. At 1 am. And he forgot to turn the stove off. You’re listening bleary eyed, trying to make sense of this. A Fire??
No one was hurt, thankfully, but there is damage to the condo. You get to the condo and there are flashing lights everywhere, and Dad is sitting in the ambulance, really confused.
You take a deep breath. “It’s time.”
This is that big moment that everyone fears most and when it happens, you know it’s time.
Maybe it’s the scenario above, or maybe it’s that Mom left the house with no coat in January or maybe she took too many of the same pills and had an adverse reaction. Or maybe you’ve just finally had enough with wrestling her into pajamas every night.
I hear incredible stories every day that happen to those with a memory impairment and their families. The world sometimes just doesn’t understand those who have this disease because those who are effected aren’t able to tell us.
Here are some much less scary signs that it’s actually time to move your loved one to a memory care community.
24/7 care in-home is just too expensive.
When I first made my way into the senior living world, but eyes popped and my toes curled when I found out how expensive it was to place someone in an assisted living setting. Keeping Mom at home was Dad’s request before he passed away, but her Alzheimer’s is just too much for you to handle, and you’ve finally thrown in the towel. You look to in-home care, but holy cow!! 35 bucks an hour??
$35 x 24 hours = $840 x 30 days = Holy-hell-there’s-no-way-we-can-afford-that!
It’s $25,200, if you’re bad at math, like me.
If you do get in home care for a few hours, they aren’t there to watch over her for the rest of the day, and most importantly, the night. Even though memory care communities seem expensive, their prices are going to be at LEAST half that price. A great memory care community will cost about 10k a month (I know…), and are generally running deals because of the competition.
If you have home care, you can’t be yourself in your own home.
I have this wonderful family member of a resident who told me that when she had in home coming into her home, she could never take her bra off!
So even if you/ your loved one CAN afford the 24/7 pricing, you have to have another person in your home all the time. I don’t know about you, but I do some weird shit in my house when I’m by myself and with my family. In home care, until you get to know them, are complete strangers. Are you going to belch in front of a stranger.
I at least TRY to refrain from that!
Your fuse is very short.
There are any and all types of caregiver situations out there, but whatever your specific situation may be, it’s a lot of frickin’ work anyway you slice it!
With all the work that has to be down in a regular day, then you add on the responsibility of caring for a loved one with a memory impairment.
That sounds exhausting just saying it.
So if you have work, kids and/or pets, maybe a side hustle, caregiving, you’re bound to lose your cool with any number of people at some point with no self care. And losing your cool on someone who has Alzheimer’s will not understand why you either yelled at them or stormed away.
As soon as you’ve placed your loved one into memory care, the weight that will be lifted off of your shoulders is a feeling that many can’t described until they’ve lived it. Finally taking off all of the proverbial hats is freeing. Care Communities do this for a living, and even if it’s not “Mom’s home”, they are well cared for and you can just go back to being the daughter, son, grandkid, niece, nephew, whatever! The title of caregiver is gone!
You can’t leave the house.
The stories I have heard of kids taking care of parents that are genuinely afraid to leave the house because their Loved One will surely leave are heartbreaking.
What kind of life is that for the caregiver?
In my opinion, can you can take this however you like, but no child or younger loved one should sacrifice everything for their older family member, I don’t care how well that Loved One took care of them. If you are trapped in their or your house for weeks on end, maybe with Instacart coming to bring you groceries,
That’s no life, and I hope that if this is you reading this, this is your sign.
They’ve become a danger to themselves…and you.
Then there are the situations when you genuinely can’t care for them anymore. Some examples are:
- Trying to leave thinking that there house isn’t theirs anymore (of they live in yours and it’s even more confusing)
- Getting in a public situation where the police have been called on them (this is an ugly situation)
- Their drinking or drug use is making their behaviors worse
- They have a disease such as Frontal Temporal Dementia or Lewy Body Dementia
- They are fighting with you every step of the way and you are being beaten and bruised
All of these are acceptable reasons plus a million more.
You just can’t do it anymore.
I don’t care what your excuse is. I give you permission right here and now to start looking at memory care communities. I can’t overstate how hard it is to be a caregiver in a post-pandemic world where people don’t want to know about dementia.
These is no feeling like that guilty feeling of “dumping them off” and “abandoning them”. It can’t be further from the truth, but you can sit in your feelings for it for a while.
Then let it go, because you have too much life to live while caring professionals take care of the one you love.
If you can’t juggle the day-to-day of kids, partner, LOWD, work, the lack of self care, I see you. I hear you. It’s just too much.
When you’re in the forest, it’s really hard to see through the trees. It’s hard to see yourself not as a caregiver, and there will never feel like “the perfect time”. I’m here to tell you that if there are funds available, the perfect time is now, and probably last week.
Also, there will never be that “perfect time”. That’s a fact.
So do yourself a favor and start your research on the kind of community that you can see your loved one living in.
Here’s your sign,
